i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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