It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
