Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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