Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
