i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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