Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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