mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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