hotel room ftw
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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