ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
