i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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