I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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