I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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