When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
