if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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