Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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