Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
