I faked an abortion last night.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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