It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
