I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she pinky promised me she was 18
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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