and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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