Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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