So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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