You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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