You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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