I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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