dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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