Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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