I feel great
I just peed on a car
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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