well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
