I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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