Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
