So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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