Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
