after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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