so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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