i just sent this text using only my big toe
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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