I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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