I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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