I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
