She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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