Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
