im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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