Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
