seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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