i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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