Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
