Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
