Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cockslap morals
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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