So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
