____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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