I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
