When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
