Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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