Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
