My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
