don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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