My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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