The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
