I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
