You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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