i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
