Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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