Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
