All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
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apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.