i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions