Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.