You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.